The Different Faces of Grief: Understanding How Couples Grieve the Loss of a Baby

When a couple loses a baby, they don’t just share a loss – they each experience their own unique journey of grief. While one partner might need to talk about their feelings constantly, the other might retreat into silence. Neither approach is wrong, but these differences can create unexpected challenges in a relationship already strained by loss.

What Creates Division for Couples Amidst Grief

Often, the deepest divisions come from misunderstanding each other’s grief styles. A wife might interpret her husband’s silence as him “not caring enough,” while he might feel overwhelmed by her need to discuss their loss. One partner might want to keep their baby’s ultrasound pictures visible, while the other finds it too painful to look at them. One might be ready to try again, while the other isn’t emotionally prepared.

These different approaches to grief can make partners feel isolated from the very person who best understands their loss.

Understanding Different Grief Styles

Research shows that men and women often grieve differently, though there are always exceptions. Women typically tend to:

• Express emotions more openly
• Seek connection through talking
• Process grief through sharing their experience
• Find comfort in remembrance items
• Seek support from others

While men often:

• Process grief internally
• Focus on “doing” rather than talking
• Keep busy with work or projects
• Feel pressure to “be strong”
• Grieve in private moments

How to Connect with Your Partner During Grief

The key to bridging these differences lies in understanding and respecting each other’s grief journey. Here are a few practical ways to maintain connection. Most of these I have used myself, when I was feeling distant from my husband:

Create Safe Space for Both Styles

Acknowledge that there’s no “right” way to grieve. Give each other permission to mourn differently without judgment. Sometimes this means sitting in silence together; other times it means listening to the same story multiple times. Other times, it may mean grieving on your own or with a trusted friend or therapist.

Practice Active Listening

When your partner does share, listen without trying to fix their pain. Sometimes they just need to be heard. Ask questions like “What do you need from me right now?” or “How can I support you today?” If you just want them to listen, tell them that. Then, they won’t feel like they have to fix your pain.

Find Common Ground

Look for ways to honor your baby together that respect both grief styles. This might mean:

• Creating a memory box together
• Planting a tree or flower in your baby’s memory
• Celebrating your baby’s birthday or due date
• Starting a journal you both contribute to in your own way

Supporting Each Other Through Different Phases

Remember that grief isn’t linear, and partners rarely process loss at the same pace. When one is having a particularly hard day, the other might be feeling stronger. Use these natural ebbs and flows to support each other:

• Be patient with different timelines
• Respect when one needs space
• Step up when the other needs extra support
• Acknowledge that healing happens at different rates

When to Seek Help

Sometimes the differences in grieving styles can create significant strain on a relationship. Consider professional help if:

• Communication breaks down completely
• You feel increasingly isolated from each other
• One partner refuses to acknowledge the loss
• You’re unable to support each other’s grief
• The loss is creating serious relationship conflict

This may mean finding a therapist or counselor who you connect with and can talk to on your own. Not everyone is open to therapy, and that is ok. Give space for that, and know that talking to someone by yourself may ultimately be healing for the relationship. If your partner is open to couples therapy, this is even better.

Moving Forward as a Couple

The goal isn’t to grieve identically, but to support each other through individual journeys while maintaining connection. Your baby’s memory deserves to be honored in ways that feel authentic to both of you.

Remember: There’s no timeline for grief, no “right” way to mourn, and no perfect balance between different grieving styles. What matters is maintaining love and respect for each other’s process while finding ways to honor your baby’s memory together.